Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Friday, November 19, 2004
Safety in Numbers

"Harsh startups" — I avoid 'em as best I can, thanks to research from John Gottman.

That's why the first session in my current Divorce Recovery Workshop started out with administrative and housekeeping items, just like all those before it. "Here's my cell phone number for direct access between weekly meetings. Help yourself to beverages at any time during the presentation. If it's dark outside when we close the meeting, I will walk you to your car...."

Who could have seen that last remark as the humdinger it became this time?

"How about if I walk you to your car?" one person in the process of divorce quickly rebutted (emphasis on "I" and "you" and "your").

I meant no condescension in what I said; and I took no offense in what this participant said to me. For what it's worth, I make the exact same offer when I lead similar workshops for churches.

As a divorce mediator, I'm trained in domestic violence screening. My personal background also includes six additional years of professional employment in public safety and industrial security. So this is a particular area where I focus on awareness and preparedness. "The individualist without strategy who takes opponents lightly will inevitably become the captive of others," as Master Sun Tzu might advise us.

The December Cosmopolitan magazine puts a contemporary imperative on this in four pages titled, "The Rape Danger Zones You Don't Know About: Listen in as best-selling author and former Manhattan sex crimes prosecutor Linda Fairstein digs into her case logs to reveal the ways predators attack women when and where they least expect it."

Ms. Fairstein cites Department of Justice figures indicating that 18% of all violent crime in the United States occurs in the workplace, for example.

• Elsewhere, statistics underscore my concern that 46% of violent crime overall is perpetuated by strangers.

• Between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.:  That's when 53% of all violent crimes take place.

• Renters are over 47% more likely than homeowners to be the victims of violent crime.  (When you left your marital home, into what sort of housing did you move?)

If "control" was an issue in your marriage, any brake can feel like a pawl, I know. I see the oppositional impulses every week. But remember: If you say "white" simply because they demand that you acknowledge "black" as "black," that, too, is giving them control.

Know what's right for you, and act on that.

One of the first contributions I developed for divorcePeers.com was the "Security" page (today it is still our largest non-Calendar section). That's your control: Information.  Know the risks, make preparations, then decide which adventures you are willing to experiment with — and how.  Responsibly. You're that important.

As for the current workshop participant who inquired into my own safety plan for reaching my Pontiac that evening, I chose to take it as a genuine, caring gesture. My response, then, as now, is the same.

"Thank you."

—posted by Dell Deaton @12:44 PM EST 11/19/2004 [498]

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