Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Wednesday, November 3, 2004
Planning Your Next Divorce?

Halloween may be over, but prenuptial agreements never seem to go out of style when it comes to sending re-marriage chills down the spine.

Three years ago this topic was hotly debated in a support group I was leading. We had some 16 participants that evening when a man at the end of a long table took one point of view, and a woman at the furthest other end took the extreme opposite position. They argued passionately for the better part of two solid hours — and no one ever found peace.

Come to think of it, I can't say for sure that either adversary took a breath.

The purveyors of logic and the notion that "marriage is a business contract" are unanimously behind the merits of prenups.

That list notably includes Oprah Magazine contributor Suze Orman and radio talk show host Bruce Williams, heard weeknights here on our own WAAM. The cover of this month's Robb Report Worth devotes three feature articles to "Your Estate and the Second Marriage Syndrome" — beginning just after the 4-page Rolls-Royce 100EX advertising spread.

But logic doesn't truly sell, particularly in matters of the heart. (See Get Anyone to Do Anything, Chapter 14.)

Sure, prenuptial agreement negotiations will overlap premarital counseling and remarriage preparation coaching.  But make no mistake: We're not merely talking about who takes out the garbage, how often, and in return for what. This also means you need a lawyer; in; in fact, you need two.

From a mediation perspective, I facilitate these discussions by looking at obligations, expectations, and consequences. Media headlines tend to highlight the last of these, like the 2002 prenuptial proposed by Jennifer Lopez for then-fiancé Ben Affleck. To wit, a $5 million fine for adultery. 

Okay. How real is that for you?

For the emotional payoff, let's explore obligations. One of the Worth articles calls out, "If we die at 75 and leave our wealth in trust to our 38-year-old second wife, she might well outlive our children in their 50s, precluding them from ever receiving their bequests."

Trust me — the grim reaper doesn't only come for rich retirees with young brides.  Your obligations might include medical care for a 6-year-old. And more: What about that money your former father-in-law lent you on a handshake to go back for your degree? You may not be "legally" obligated to pay him back, but—.

How does your new spouse-to-be feel about these wishes? Would you rather negotiate in your current state of goodwill, or in some later moment of heat?

The courts start out with their own assumptions regarding your stuff, even before questions from death and divorce are ever brought to them. In other words, you already have a prenuptial agreement. Wouldn't you like to know what it says?

I'm not advocating that you make a prenuptial agreement; I am advocating that you choose whether or not to have one.

With that, I'm headed over to Fantasy Attic Costumes. You think there will be a crowd?

—posted by Dell Deaton @2:18 PM EST 11/3/2004 [499]

Link to Divorce Balance weblog articles index