Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Thursday, October 28, 2004
Don't Agree Too Quickly

It used to be that Las Vegas held the name brand in quick divorce. Sure, "love takes time," but isn't there some dot-com where people can double-click to delete it?

Here in Michigan there is a minimum 60-day waiting period before a divorce can be granted. Perhaps euphemistically, this is commonly referred to as a "cooling off period."  Translation: "Time to consider reconciliation."

But is that all—?

You don't need to sell me on the rightness of your decision to divorce. I hear you when you say that your heart and mind have been moving unretreatingly down this path for many months now. Sometimes years. But there are significant differences between making a decision to divorce and going through the process of divorce.

For Better or For Worse labels the first two years after divorce as a "crisis period." A how-to manual on Developing a Divorce Recovery Ministry recommends against using divorce recovery workshops to make appeals for religious conversion.

Patience. There's just too much vulnerability in all decision-making during this time.

Property, parenting, lifestyle, dating: There are a myriad of negotiations to be faced before, during, and after divorce. To you that means coming to a clear understanding of self, having appropriate respect in that, and openly communicating that to interested others.

One of the more troubling ways to mess this up is called the "Rescue," as described in True Partners.

You "...may derail the negotiation process before it ever gets started by not letting your partner know what you want, or by giving in without negotiating.... If you compromise, give in, or do a favor with a sense of sacrifice, resentment, or superiority over your partner, then your action is a Rescue."

True problem solving "requires both people to know and say exactly what they want...."

In other words, don't agree too quickly.  I'm not talking about dragging things out gratuitously or based on false hopes of reconciliation (actually, reconciliation has only been an issue in a little over 4½% of cases that have come to me after they had been filed; at that, only 2 couples then actually tried it).

And don't drag things out for revenge. To quote Booker T. Washington, "One man cannot hold another man down in the ditch without remaining in the ditch with him."

But, again, this is not about convincing me.

Only you can give yourself permission to go through all steps necessary in a reasonable process to get a reasonable outcome. 

The time you spend clarifying, working this through can result in an agreement among those with a 93.7% rate of compliance.

On the other hand, I've dealt with clients who've come to me with struggles over non-legal issues that have defied resolution for as many as seven years. Yeah, but their divorce judgments were quick!

Take whatever time you need to negotiate your agreement.  After all, it will be with you for a long time — often in ways you might never have imagined "in the heat of things."

—posted by Dell Deaton @10:17 AM EST 10/28/2004 [500]

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