Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Wednesday, May 4, 2005
eg, Presidential Marriages

During the Clinton presidency we were advised that, among other duties, the First Couple is obliged to model marriage by example.

If your needs and interests have drawn you to columns under the Divorce Balance masthead, you're old enough to recall the national focus then on marital infidelity and legal machinations over truths related thereto.

Baroque theatre. "Lewinsky" as brand name.

And yet, for all the pseudo-understanding we are tempted to garner from such big picture affairs (pun intended), I'd hate to see anyone miss the less obvious carcinomas in marital dynamics.

To find subtle and "little picture" in the realm of Executive Branch post-nuptials, let's take the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner. I'm unsettled by the spectacle I saw this past Saturday.

There, First Lady Laura Bush took to the podium and referred to herself as "a desperate housewife" — who visited Chippendales for solace. Characterized her mother-in-law via The Godfather. And the Bush ranch in Crawford?

"George didn't know much about ranches when we bought the place. Andover and Yale don't have a real strong ranching program."

Think back to the last party you attended with other couples.

I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere in the mix there was a pair that had an acerbic little repartee going on. One bit in particular had you laughing so hard the Cherry Pepsi you were drinking came back out through your nose.

Driving your Oldsmobile home that night, you could still hear the dialogue in your mind, and you laughed again. Then, before your instincts could be checked, your subconscious added, "Glad I'm not married to 'em!"

Years ago, kindly Mrs. Poyndexter gave me a book called The Man In The Mirror, by Patrick Morley. The following passage is particularly relevant here.

"One of a man's deepest needs is to be respected."

When folks come to me with their divorce stories, a good deal of the time they share examples from parties like the one where the soft drink burned out your sinus. Maybe you felt that each person held his or her own in that banter.

But inside, neither felt anything except disrespected.

If you reflect on it, why would you ever stab at the mate with whom you supposedly most desire both time and closeness — for the sake of briefly entertaining others?

• To make yourself look good?

• To gain others' approval?

• To push your lover away?

As a divorce mediator, I've seen that third outcome achieved quite effectively through this tactic.

And the first two goals? Well, CNN reports that First Lady Laura Bush's "surprise comedy routine that ripped President Bush" earned her "a standing ovation." This from among "much of official Washington and a dash of Hollywood."

That's the demographic she solicited.

If someone ominously counseled you to watch out for "Monica Lewinskys" in your relationship, you'd know immediately what to flank against.

But is your Secret Service detail prepared to ward off the temptations of a "White House Correspondents' Association dinner"?

—posted by Dell Deaton @12:01 PM EST 5/4/2005 [500]

Link to complete articles index