Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Saturday, April 23, 2005
Lives on Hold for Co-Parenting

• Dear Dell: I have a question and I am hoping that you have an answer.

Without going into a lot of detail, plain and simple — once a court order is in place for divorce visitation, can the other party decide to change the times, skip visits, etc.? This has been an issue for four years now with my ex-husband.

Yesterday, he handed me a note which read that until further notice, he will not be able to keep his every-other-Saturday from noon to 8pm. That perhaps he might be able to do a 3pm to 6pm, but it might depend. He has also cancelled for this Wednesday.

Am I still expected to put my day on hold for him?

• Dear Patience: There's a running joke among the other parents and me at my son's bus stop. "The more inclement the weather, the later the bus driver will get there."

Remember that really gorgeous morning we had early last week? If ever we anticipated setting our watches by an on-time arrival, this was it. Nope. Forty minutes late.

Or, in the vernacular of divorce law, ten minutes longer than the grace period spelled out for visitation by the Monroe County Friend of the Court.

Am I expected to put my day on hold for a school bus?

And don't get me started on the times that Number One Son has woken up under the weather himself. My schedule is now shot in deference to nursing him. Then count on adding further time consuming trips to the pediatrician and pharmacy.

It's tough being a single parent with custody after divorce. Last minute changes can be especially hard when you have no back up; even schedule adjustments without nefarious motives can try our patience, Patience.

I've heard from more than one divorce lawyer now that we should take a "use it or lose it" stance on parenting time. Track your former spouse's missed visits. Report it to your divorce court. File a motion to ratchet down the non-custodial parent's time.

Do-it-yourself form "FOC 65" and detailed, self-representation-friendly instructions are available on-line from the State Court Administrative Office.

But before you click-off, let's think a little bigger picture.

The experience you describe regarding a father backing away is sadly quite common. In fact, 47% of all fathers don't even visit their children as little as once a year. As the custodial parent, believe me: You have a lot of control over that.

If we were talking about a school bus driver here, would your feelings and reactions be the same? What sort of last-minute rearrangements would you make for your children if the bus didn't show up? to what limits?

Divorce courts can only hammer out so much fine detail in finished products with a blunt gavel.

You asked if you were expected to put your day on hold for your children's father. "Expected" by whom? What do you expect of you? Equally important: Why?

Ultimately, you alone must answer these questions.

—posted by Dell Deaton @12:56 PM EST 4/23/2005 [501]

Link to complete articles index