Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Saturday, April 16, 2005
Remarriage with Financial Intimacy

• Dear Dell: I am getting married this July to the most wonderful woman any man could ever hope for. I am so honored by her consent to be my bride.

I am not going to lose her to anything. We are both divorced from other people, and you have to believe that we have learned the hard lessons of what not to do!

We just finished premarital counseling, if that can show you how serious we are.

One thing came up there that I was wondering if you have an opinion on. The pastor who taught the course said that we have to make full financial disclosures about everything to each other. That is not a problem. My bride and I are in complete agreement on that.

But how do you do that exactly? I want to, and I totally trust my bride to make full financial disclosures to me. But I feel like an idiot because I do not know how to do it, like the exact steps to take.

I need a checklist or something. Pastor said to just tell each other everything, but what if I forget something? He said just to ask each other, then be honest.

Dell — how can we ask each other questions if we do not even know what we want to know?

I am not asking because we are trying to hide anything. I am asking because surprises cause stress. Money is the worst stress of all.

I totally love her and I want this marriage to be for the rest of my life.

• Dear Checker: I understand. You're interested in financial intimacy.

Since broader brush strokes can be unsettling here, I'll err on the side of more detail. Balancing our checkbook to the penny, if you will. Then you can decide for yourself what point in the middle ground works for your needs.

When I counsel couples to prepare for remarriage after divorce, we tackle this subject by using what I call "The Three P's of Reconciling Marital Money."

• Professionals

• Philosophy

• Process

One of the key concerns you've voiced here is that you don't even know "what" you don't know. But the "subject" is "financial intimacy." So, rather than asking "what," let's look at "who."

• Are there any professionals who get financially intimate with people? If so, what sort of due diligence do they conduct to protect their interests?

The biggest money most of us try to get into bed with is the lender on our home mortgage. Mind you, we're talking about a business here that depends upon flanking against any given borrower's possible propensity to be less than completely forthcoming vis-à-vis their financial matters.

How do they protect themselves?

Fannie Mae provides a nice 10-point "Loan Interview Materials Checklist" page for insight.

Beyond this, Suze Orman has set up a worthwhile Resource Center on her website to help you get a little more personal (and practical) with money matters.

For example, are there children from either prior marriage? Headings such as Ms. Orman's "Paying for College" may prompt discussion of something not considered elsewhere. Such an "obligation" wouldn't appear on a credit report, and could go without reference in a Judgment of Divorce.

• Which brings us to my second point for disclosures: Philosophy.

I've worked with a good number of churches that use Before You Remarry in their premarital counseling. If your pastor uses this, you may have noticed that author H. Norman Wright devotes over twenty percent of his 92-page workbook to decision-making and finance — mostly discussed in terms of understanding each other's philosophies.

Here's why that's important.

A dear friend of mine, who also works long-term with folks out of divorce, firmly believes that his original "in sickness and in health" vow didn't cease with his own divorce, some two decades ago now.

Sort of an important mindset for his new wife to be aware of, should the former spouse become ill without health coverage, don'cha think?

Take a look at two more books for benchmark views: Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love, by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D., and The Nine Fantasies That Will Ruin Your Life, by Dr. Joy Browne.

Dr. Harley writes of his advice to clients: "The money that both of them earn goes into a joint checking account, but no check is to be written unless both spouses are in enthusiastic agreement about it."

Radio psychologist Dr. Browne writes about callers: "Money is seldom the problem; it's just the symptom of the problem.... Remember, money isn't just paper; it represents power, choice, and control. Money has become a big green tug-of-war in your marriage...."

Last November, I focused on the emotional role of money in relationships. Since that time, Psychology Today has made the entire texts of both "Let's Make a Deal" and "Till Debt Do Us Part" available online.

The current issue of Money has two fantastic features for you as well. Look for the cover story, "Secrets, Lies and Money." Then for another eight pages on the question, "How Normal Are You About Money? And are you getting ahead? Compare your finances with your peers' at four stages of life."

• What else decides where even the best choices will lead? Process.

So put on your green visors and actually crunch those big picture numbers into budgets.

Start with "his" and "hers."

This will give you an idea of what details created the bottom-line summaries you read about in one another's credit reports. Do the spending patterns of your intended actually reflect the philosophies he or she espoused when filling out remarriage-after-divorce workbooks in the idealism of a classroom?

Never filled out a budget before? Don't know what to include? Suze Orman recommends the resources on CNN/Money, which features an "Ideal Budget" calculator.

If you prefer a bit more control, either on paper (in Adobe Acrobat format) or through an Excel worksheet, try the forms on American Consumer Credit Counseling.

Next step?

The "ours" budget. If you're like most people I've coached, you'll experience virtually everything else I've written up to this point by processing one.

Okay — now that I've empowered you to make your own checklist(s), here's what I'd ask to see.

• Judgment of Divorce

This brings up financial obligations that may not appear anywhere else (be sure to review other documents referenced here, too, such as divorce mediation agreements). As you compare what their former marital estate had been, in contrast to the stuff they took away from it, what does that tell you about their values?

Look for insights into how your betrothed deals with people he or she once said they loved as much as they now say they love you.

• Credit reports

Check out www.AnnualCreditReport.com for options on getting free copies. (While we're on the subject, you may want to reacquaint yourself with my March 2, 2005, Divorce Balance, "'Credit' as Intimacy after Divorce.")

• Tax returns

State and federal, last three years.

Let me also share this with you as a divorce mediator: If I had a nickel for every person who claimed that his or her former spouse cooked the books "for tax purposes," I'd be writing Divorce Balance from a yacht off the coast of South Carolina.

"So, you're saying you're a tax cheat? Show me the real numbers."

• Financial statements

You're not simply looking for regular bank, credit card, and investment reports — but also how they are kept. Is locating a receipt a hunt through shoeboxes, cross-indexed files, or the Ann Arbor Resource Recovery Facility? How's the checkbook balanced? Um, every so often, to the nearest ten bucks, give or take?

Contemporaneous documentation makes it sorta hard to hide problem gambling here.

Or the weekend in Aspen, paid for by plastic the same month as their auto insurance was canceled for non-payment of premium.

• Employment records

This isn't just for S.I.P. analysis and reconciliation with income claims.

I'd like to see their last three annual performance reviews: This is one of our most intimate financial relationships, so why not see what the parties to it have to say? How do career and current job potential stack up among his or her life obligations? priorities?

And if they rationalize poor ratings by citing office politics or worse, what does it say about them that they continue to stay on working there?

Dear Checker — if I may offer some final words of advice, it would be these.

You can create a comprehensive list and you can risk asking all the questions. A lot of this stuff is good and important to know.

But even clear, honest answers don't necessarily lead to obvious conclusions. Especially when it comes to remarriage after divorce. There can be lots of valid reasons why good potential mates can't come to your alter with perfect financial pedigrees.

Ultimately, that's for you to decide: What's your criteria for that?

Mazal tov!

—posted by Dell Deaton @9:00 PM EST 4/16/2005 [1500]

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