Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Saturday, February 19, 2005
Buster's Surgery Decision

Some time before lunch during business last Tuesday, kindly Mrs. Poyndexter called me in a fret. It's not her habit to phone in general, and it's a rare occasion indeed for her to "interrupt" me at all with a "bother at work."

When it comes to her beloved dog Buster, however, she's not to be penned in.

"Dell, dear," Mrs. Poyndexter began, "do you remember when Buster had his hospital excursion three years ago?"

"Yes," I said — which was true.

While outside her care back then, Buster had injured one of his legs, severely. Medical attention had not been immediately secured. By the time Mrs. Poyndexter was made aware of the situation, her Samoyed needed an emergency trip to the animal E.R. in Southfield.

Major surgery. And along with that, a major bill: Four-figures, as I recall. A number that exceeded the Blue Book on her Buick.

My assurance notwithstanding, Mrs. Poyndexter went on to recite this history to me again. Same basic details, longer presentation. This is important to her. Talking about it and having me invested in this story not only gave her a sense of validation, but a feeling of control. I was happy to listen.

"You dealt with that flawlessly," I said when she paused for my reaction.

"Well, dear," she said softly, "now it's the other leg."

Although she'd prayed that it not be so, the original surgeon had told her to anticipate this day. It's common for dogs to overtax the corresponding healthy leg through overcompensating efforts. After a period of time, another snap.

Mrs. Poyndexter lives on a tight, if not frugal budget. In response to a "frightful" heating bill last month, she undertook to more aggressively insulate the outside-access dog door in her mudroom. Rumor has it that the U.S. Department of Homeland Security plans to come out and study her approach, as a barrier method against chemical attack.

The anticipated price tag for Buster's next surgery decision?

More than it will cost to heat Mrs. Poyndexter's house for three years — sans dog door insulation.

I've known her four years now, and the thought never crossed my mind that she was calling me to help her decide "whether" to go ahead with the surgery.

Rather, she was calling for help in deciding sacrifice from among her available options to pay for it.

Two issues. The first was basic financial planning, "what are the tax and income consequences of taking funds from this account or that, versus borrowing money from yet another source?" The second: While tempted to raid her summer vacation fund, she was concerned that neglecting this "mental health holiday" would deprive her of that much needed recharge going into her fall work schedule.

Such clarities frame one of the keys to successful divorce mediations as well.

• "What's most important to you" (hard enough to define), coupled with the "price" (not always monetary) that you're willing to pay for it?

Back in 1992, I conducted a six-month customer negotiation research project for Johnson Controls using resources from what is now Harris Interactive out of Princeton, New Jersey. The question that I posed above is addressed by their "forced-pair" choice model.

To wit: Mrs. Poyndexter will invariably pick "price" as it relates to almost every material aspect of her life. Home, auto, clothing. She places a high value on retirement security.

If you were her divorce mediator, then, you might be tempted to boilerplate her accordingly.

But negotiations would grind to a halt and remain there mysteriously if you failed to appreciate this reality: Her money priorities radically shift in choices specifically concerning animal welfare. Rescue shelters, advocacy donations, and, certainly, Buster. She is only satisfied in decisions ciphered according to this core rubric.

Thankfully, X-Rays revealed a problem that could be addressed with prescription drugs; no surgery. Your favorite Samoyed is now recovering just fine.

Those of us who know and love her didn't need this test, of course, to know Mrs. Poyndexter's heart. Still, sometimes it's nice to be reminded of what's most important.

—posted by Dell Deaton @6:00 PM EST 2/19/2005 [675]

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