Divorce Balance

Negotiation > Recovery > Enhancement

Saturday, February 5, 2005
Fantasy Mates

After divorce, you'd think it would be a simple matter to get it right next time.

• Step 1: List the character traits of your former spouse.

• Step 2. Pick the opposite.

Sort of like using the color wheel you learned about in art class. Here, for example, if the person from whom you are divorced can be labeled under the principal hue "Purple," why, then, you're looking for its opposite: The intermediate hue "Green-Yellow."

One kick in the pants to this approach is what divorce researcher Robert S. Weiss observes in his book, Marital Separation.

"Individuals seem able to become attached only to a limited range of others."

A little over a year ago, I wrapped up 26 months with a woman who spent the first two-thirds of that work in the marital equivalent of Hamlet, Act III, Scene i.

She was intractably committed to convincing you, me, and the stranger who happened to sit next to her in the movie theater one night — that her husband was "mentally ill." For almost two years, to ask her why she stayed with him with him yielded little more than fantasy or another round of "Ain't it Awful."

She was a quiet, meticulous person who collected footnotes as a hobby.

To put it more colorfully, she is Blue-Green to her husband's Red. She now sees that anything closer than two principle hues to her side of the relationship color wheel would bore her silly.

A second boot to the 180° approach is related to something I learned when I bought my 1994 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. I purchased it new back then, mind you. Yet, still: Because of the way options were bundled, to get the power train I wanted, I had to compromise in seat preference.

It seems to be the same in many aspects of people's personalities, as well. Some character traits are inextricably linked.

You can't marry the CEO of an international firm with an embrace for all of the attendant perks, then complain that this spouse doesn't do spontaneous getaway weekends, sans cell phone.

Some things just don't mix. Or, rather, un-mix.

Emerging with the exhaust from our divorce engines, the notion of dialing in value numbers for a new tone, better matched to our recovered palettes, has appeal. But it's also a fantasy that contributes to second marriages that last approximately 24% fewer years than first marriages.

"Fantasy mates," at the risk of overemphasizing the obvious, are fantasy. More importantly, as Daphne Rose Kingma points out in Why We Love the People We Do & How They Sometimes Drive Us Crazy: The "...underlying emotional issue for Fantasizers is anger."

And get this: Each and every one of her nine personality types listed includes a detailed discussion of why we love 'em, and how we benefit from our relationships with them.

Yup, that includes "Attention Seekers" and "Controllers."

Something to think about before racing to cover all that Yellow in your bedroom with a penetrating coat of Purple-Blue.

—posted by Dell Deaton @6:01 PM EST 2/5/2005 [500]

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